Deep blue skies
with a golden angel dancing above
Surrounded by saints,
blackened with soot from a war long ago
Church bells chime and classical music plays throughout the square
I feel I could lie here and take my dying breath
contented
because this must be heaven
I really like your choice of words. I could picture myself lying on the cobblestones beside you.
ReplyDeleteI like your choice of words because it makes your writing come alive. I wonder about your connection to Dresden and why you choose to write about this. I think all of your lines flow together smoothly, but line 4 makes the flow a bit choppy. Nice writing and I felt your peacefulness toward this sacred place.
ReplyDeleteRae,
ReplyDeleteI guess I need to go to Dresden because I want to see this angel. I have never been.
One idea is to play with spacing or phrase breaks. Just an idea. Here is what I am talking about:
Deep blue skies
a golden angel
dancing above
Surrounded by saints,
blackened with soot
from a war long ago
Wow, what a great work!! Your descriptions, like "golden angel dancing," and basically the entire poem really make it so rich!!! It really strikes deep in the soul! Thank you!! What inspired you to write this, I wonder?!! I really don't know what I would suggest, I think its so well done, but I see Deanna's comments and think that considering breaking it up in smaller lines may help it flow even more smoothly!!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! I loved this poem! You really have a talent for poetry.... I'm jealous! I'm trying hard to write it, but struggling. You really have a way with words! I would recommend this one for publishing. I like the advice of playing with spacing. Maybe even playing with fonts or illustrations to add to it.
ReplyDeleteI really like the peaceful and joyful atmosphere you create in this poem. I can totally picture myself there! One thing that I would suggest to change is to get rid of "I feel I could" in fourth line, for I think for the first three lines, you seem to lie there and see and hear all the beauty already!
ReplyDelete